I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Lol.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?