“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
set yourself free xox
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.