I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
life finds a way
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?