I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation