I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Covid like
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
the #horror is real!
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.