I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
it takes so much energy
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet