I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Bill is short for Billiam
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected