@ginnyhogan_

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

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@LackOfShame

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

@5hael

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

@booyahchadly

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

@joe_binkley

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

@PeachCoffin

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@Donna_McCoy

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

@kellyforniagold

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.