“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

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*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear


If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.


Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*


Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”


My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.


My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again



*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.


*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.


Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.


The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.