I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

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*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs


If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years


I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth


‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work


Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner


Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD


So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.


I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.


A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.


The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.