I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
honestly, i need both:
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
new record!
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord