I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
i wish i could marry a nap
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.