I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Current mood: Potato
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur