I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.


none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box


You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches


My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.


You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.