I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Mouse
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.