I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.