@nanglish

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

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@noog

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

@70Ceeks

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

@envydatropic

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

@robfee

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

@dafloydsta

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair