I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

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The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.


honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral


Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.


Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.


[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT


We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair