I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
first you must answer his riddles
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.