@causticbob God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
@joci2203 I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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@causticbob 
@Smug_Lemur Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
@BinyominS Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
@KentWGraham It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
@daemonic3 [at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
@Stellacopter Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
@goodgrief_rats I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
@Tw1tter_K1tten Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
@envydatropic Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
@TheAlexNevil “In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.