@joci2203

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

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@causticbob

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

@KentWGraham

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

@Stellacopter

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

@envydatropic

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

@TheAlexNevil

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.