I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.