I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
You Might Also Like
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
TODAY
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Ugh
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Care for your back
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg