I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?