I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one
Mouth: Haven gice done
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT
-worms on Twitter
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother