I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example