I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington