I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
January has been Januweary
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.