I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?