I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
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If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
so weird how every mom was born today
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about