I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I already tried new things thanks.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
new record!
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.