I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You Might Also Like
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
some cats are just doing for fun!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm