I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.