I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
You Might Also Like
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
We need more people like this.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
I saw this ending much differently.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.