I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”