I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You Might Also Like
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
IT’S-A ME,
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again