I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You Might Also Like
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
🏙👨🏼
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.