i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
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Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
LOOOOOOL
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Just so funny
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.