“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
You Might Also Like
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*