I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
What flavor cupcake are these
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.