[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*exercises sarcastically*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.