*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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Okay me first
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.