I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Traveler’s camo
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.