I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i’m sure it’s fine
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.