I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.