I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.