I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Ha.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.