I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
You Might Also Like
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“i miss shittin on people”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby