I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
You Might Also Like
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
they really do be looking like this
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old