@LuckoftheDraw86

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

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@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

@bobvulfov

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

@Social_Mime

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

@Alex_but_online

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

@ninatreemonkey

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

@IfIwassomething

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

@shesananteater

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.