I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah