@JB4Realz WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
@LuckoftheDraw86 I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
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@JB4Realz 
@bobvulfov One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
@chuuew [BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
@Social_Mime Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
@Alex_but_online Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
@crunchenhanced [In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
@ninatreemonkey {Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
@IfIwassomething Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
@shesananteater Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
@LindaInDisguise Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.