I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!