I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
You Might Also Like
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo