I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.