I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.


SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-


DAD: -that’s sound advice.


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.


No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.


the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog


Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.