@nevernicethings

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

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@RickAaron

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@stewnami

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

@prufrockluvsong

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

@vineyille

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.