@RickAaron Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
@nevernicethings I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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@RickAaron 
@Reverend_Scott SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
@BuckyIsotope GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
@TheAlexNevil This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
@stewnami Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
@Marlebean No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
@prufrockluvsong the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
@vineyille Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
@MJMcKean Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
@threeinchgiant If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.