I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The options really are this bad
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.