I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Yup….perfect score!
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster