I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.