I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
The Assassin.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator