‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.