I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher